I'm Biggie Smalls, I can do what I want!
An ode to my baby:
Oh, my lovely little monkey Michael, you practically came out of the womb exclaiming this.
They said that once your water breaks, your baby will almost always come within 24 hours. You made the doctors induce labor to coax you out, THREE days later. You were like, "I'm Biggie Smalls, and I will come when I want."
They said that newborn babies are supposed to be super drowsy and want to sleep all the time.
You were super awake and wanted to nurse all the time. ALL the time. ALL THE TIME! As soon as I thought you might be asleep on your own for a minute and tried to pull away, you would wake up crying and proclaiming "I'm Biggie Smalls and I defy your attempts to make me sleep!"
A couple weeks into your life they said to breastfeed your baby between 25 - 45 minutes. You took 10-15. You were always done so fast, proclaiming "I'm Biggie Smalls, and I will not conform to any book!"
They said a baby will not first smile until they are six weeks old, at least. You smiled at two weeks. Right after a horrendously long fit of crying. But you just smiled up at some angel off in the distance while singing "I'm Biggie Smalls, and I'll smile whenever I want!"
They said swaddle your baby. You broke out of every single swaddle like Houdini, proclaiming "I'm Biggie Smalls and I defy your weak attempts to contain King Baby!" (Until we got the miracle blanket. Even Baby Houdini can't crack that one.)
They said give your baby a binkie to calm him down. You spat them out, proclaiming "I'm Biggie Smalls and I defy your unsatisfactory attempts to calm King Baby!"
They said to breastfeed your baby when they wake up for their naps, otherwise if you feed them to sleep they will learn a bad sleep association and not learn to fall asleep on their own. As if you can just offer a feed to a baby at any time and they will take it if they are hungry. HA! Any time I try to feed you when you are not in a drowsy state, ready for sleep, you're all cheeky like "I'm Biggie Smalls, so tell me why would I ever breastfeed at a time when I am awake and ready for action?"
My friends said their babies chased the spoon around at mealtimes. Baby sign language people said to teach your baby the words for food and hungry first, because mealtime is supposedly something they are really interested in. When I try to feed you, you are exacerbated and declare "I'm Biggie Smalls, and I'm not going to open my mouth for any spoon of yours. Also, ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I thought that changing a baby's diaper was to be done with the baby lying on their back. Nowadays, it happens like this only one in a dozen attempts, if that. You twist and squirm and scamper away the very second I place you on your back. I chase you around the room like a circus clown with my fresh diaper. I've learned I can only succeed if you are occupied in a standing position, generally up at the bookcase pulling out the books one by one as I burn off at least five Swedish meatballs in my attempt to secure the diaper around your on-the-go body. You're like "I'm Biggie Smalls, and I don't slow down for diapers!"
They said that when babies learn to pull themselves up to standing, they sometimes cry because they then can't get back down to sitting. And it often helps to teach them that skill. You just plopped right down on your cute little bum or hands without ever once getting stuck standing, boasting "I'm Biggie Smalls - you don't scare me, Gravity!"
And even through all of your activeness and neediness, at times you even defy that. You will sit calmly in my lap for 30, sometimes even 40 minutes at a stretch as we read and read and read your books together. Your like, "Mom, I'm Biggie Smalls. And you can't put a label on me!"
People say that babies can be cranky and whiny and needy when they are teething. Since that described you for say, the first 7.5 months of your life, people were always saying "Oh, he must be teething". I can't even tell you how many times I heard that to explain your behavior. But you were never teething. Then, right before you turned 8 months, when you finally had your longest stretch of days in a row of pleasantness of your entire life, your teeth broke through. Same now with your top teeth coming in. You've been great! Your like, "I will be cranky when I am not teething, and awesome when I am - just to confound you, suckas! I'm Biggie Smalls and that's how I roll."
And now I was almost positive that you were supposed to get your middle teeth before the ones to the sides. But of course, you are The One Biggie Smalls, and so what else should I expect than that you would will the top side teeth to come in before the top middle ones. Just to show everyone that you are Biggie Smalls, and you can do what you want.
You are going to look like the biggest goof ever if those middle top teeth don't come in soon hereafter!
Oh, my lovely little monkey Michael, you practically came out of the womb exclaiming this.
They said that once your water breaks, your baby will almost always come within 24 hours. You made the doctors induce labor to coax you out, THREE days later. You were like, "I'm Biggie Smalls, and I will come when I want."
They said that newborn babies are supposed to be super drowsy and want to sleep all the time.
You were super awake and wanted to nurse all the time. ALL the time. ALL THE TIME! As soon as I thought you might be asleep on your own for a minute and tried to pull away, you would wake up crying and proclaiming "I'm Biggie Smalls and I defy your attempts to make me sleep!"
A couple weeks into your life they said to breastfeed your baby between 25 - 45 minutes. You took 10-15. You were always done so fast, proclaiming "I'm Biggie Smalls, and I will not conform to any book!"
They said a baby will not first smile until they are six weeks old, at least. You smiled at two weeks. Right after a horrendously long fit of crying. But you just smiled up at some angel off in the distance while singing "I'm Biggie Smalls, and I'll smile whenever I want!"
They said swaddle your baby. You broke out of every single swaddle like Houdini, proclaiming "I'm Biggie Smalls and I defy your weak attempts to contain King Baby!" (Until we got the miracle blanket. Even Baby Houdini can't crack that one.)
They said give your baby a binkie to calm him down. You spat them out, proclaiming "I'm Biggie Smalls and I defy your unsatisfactory attempts to calm King Baby!"
They said to breastfeed your baby when they wake up for their naps, otherwise if you feed them to sleep they will learn a bad sleep association and not learn to fall asleep on their own. As if you can just offer a feed to a baby at any time and they will take it if they are hungry. HA! Any time I try to feed you when you are not in a drowsy state, ready for sleep, you're all cheeky like "I'm Biggie Smalls, so tell me why would I ever breastfeed at a time when I am awake and ready for action?"
My friends said their babies chased the spoon around at mealtimes. Baby sign language people said to teach your baby the words for food and hungry first, because mealtime is supposedly something they are really interested in. When I try to feed you, you are exacerbated and declare "I'm Biggie Smalls, and I'm not going to open my mouth for any spoon of yours. Also, ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I thought that changing a baby's diaper was to be done with the baby lying on their back. Nowadays, it happens like this only one in a dozen attempts, if that. You twist and squirm and scamper away the very second I place you on your back. I chase you around the room like a circus clown with my fresh diaper. I've learned I can only succeed if you are occupied in a standing position, generally up at the bookcase pulling out the books one by one as I burn off at least five Swedish meatballs in my attempt to secure the diaper around your on-the-go body. You're like "I'm Biggie Smalls, and I don't slow down for diapers!"
They said that when babies learn to pull themselves up to standing, they sometimes cry because they then can't get back down to sitting. And it often helps to teach them that skill. You just plopped right down on your cute little bum or hands without ever once getting stuck standing, boasting "I'm Biggie Smalls - you don't scare me, Gravity!"
And even through all of your activeness and neediness, at times you even defy that. You will sit calmly in my lap for 30, sometimes even 40 minutes at a stretch as we read and read and read your books together. Your like, "Mom, I'm Biggie Smalls. And you can't put a label on me!"
People say that babies can be cranky and whiny and needy when they are teething. Since that described you for say, the first 7.5 months of your life, people were always saying "Oh, he must be teething". I can't even tell you how many times I heard that to explain your behavior. But you were never teething. Then, right before you turned 8 months, when you finally had your longest stretch of days in a row of pleasantness of your entire life, your teeth broke through. Same now with your top teeth coming in. You've been great! Your like, "I will be cranky when I am not teething, and awesome when I am - just to confound you, suckas! I'm Biggie Smalls and that's how I roll."
And now I was almost positive that you were supposed to get your middle teeth before the ones to the sides. But of course, you are The One Biggie Smalls, and so what else should I expect than that you would will the top side teeth to come in before the top middle ones. Just to show everyone that you are Biggie Smalls, and you can do what you want.
You are going to look like the biggest goof ever if those middle top teeth don't come in soon hereafter!
This is priceless! I can hardly wait to hold him and watch him laugh at his grandpa.
What a goof. Well summarized. I bought Mr. Smalls some new summer clothes... can't wait to give them to him when I see you guys next week! I hope they fit.
OH MY GOSH this post is incredible - I loved every sentence!!
Sounds like my kind of kid - I think I love you Biggie Smalls.
I can't wait to play with that goof of a boy. Next friday can't come fast enough!
I know I've said it before, but I love the way you write. When you get here, we can switch babies for awhile. I can't wait to experience Biggie Smalls and maybe you can get a taste of James (who entertains me every second but who will probably be incredibly boring to you after living with Michael).
This is one funny post! I love how you have to chase him around with the diaper. That would be worth watching. Love the teeth thing; the little vampire!
Hilarious! I can't wait to meet Biggie Smalls!!!!